How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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