Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
