so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize