At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Randomize
