Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
True strength comes from lack of pants
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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