What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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