You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
