i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
