So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
