3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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