Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
