he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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