I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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