There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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