Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
