whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
