This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
