Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
