Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
this is an emotional support booty call
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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