Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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