3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
