when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
