Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
