there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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