I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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