you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
