he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
