Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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