At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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