as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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