I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
