Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
