So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
