After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
