This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
