How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
