so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Randomize
