Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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