i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
