I just threw up on my dentist
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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