Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
