just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
