She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
