i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
