They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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