I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
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