Got a toothbrush?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
