i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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