The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
