So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
