My underwear smells like fireworks.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
