my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just gift wrapped bread.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
