The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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