The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Randomize
