My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
We named our party play list daddy issues
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
