He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
